Hang on a second!

I have (at least according to the old me, that's the me that existed at some point before this me came into being) lost the plot entirely. What began with 2 years spent chasing an LLB,  nicotine cessation and the strange desire to hit other people for the hell of it has somehow turned into a new perspective on life. 

Fate and I have a love/hate relationship, much like the relationship I share with the city of Peshawar. At first I was convinced that it didn't exist and that believing in it would make me no better than the two-bit hypocrites who blame all their misfortune on this mysterious force. (I suppose to continue the analogy I spent my childhood in blissful ignorance of Peshawar, it was just a place I spent my Christmas holidays in). For want of a better word my analysis of fate soon moved into phase 2 after certain cataclysmic events shook my resolve, throwing me off my high horse and turning me into a self hating believer in the "just world" ideology in many ways I have yet to free myself of this phase. I had no choice but to acknowledge fate but at the same time I recovered knowing that as long as (cheesy cheesy Naruto reference) the will of fire continued to burn within me I could according to the sage and satirist Machiavelli ride her like a young maiden. 

Again in contrast I moved to Peshawar,  began adapting and eventually took the reins of my life once again. Whether I pointed those reins in the right direction is now something I question every day. Did I ever really want to become a Lawyer and if I did, did I want to become one for the right reasons? (if such reasons exist at all). Surely returning to the heart of the empire on which the sun never sets was the correct choice but was Law school such a great idea?

I'm 21 I won't ever be 21 again and with the speed things are moving at the moment I doubt my 20s will last for more than a few instants on the large scale of things. Maybe all that Bushido garbage had some truth to it? If this is my life then I should do what makes me happy. Whether that's sitting in the mountains writing books or ..ah right here it is here's the bombshell "Joining the military". This may not be such a scandalous decision for some but for me it is one that has taken great deliberation. For starters I am from a long line of glorified killers who in return for honour and glory have served their respective war-machines with no qualms whatsoever. Maybe I once had such moral issues but to continue to pretend that they matter would be nonsensical. I would love nothing more than to salute and be saluted, to live a life of adventure, to do things that will make youth seem more worthwhile. 

Perhaps this does little to elucidate things, but I have an intense fear of turning out like my father and for a long time my decisions have simply been based around living as different a life as possible. In fact I have so many issues with the way I've started to think that listing any more of them would be boring so let's move on.

I know, clearly this is all Conrad's fault. He has of late dethroned Murakami as my favourite author. Reading Conrad is more like listening to myself than digesting foreign information. His candid view of the world clearly came from being at sea, being removed from society, removed from life and death mulling over wave patterns and seagull cries. Unless I leave somehow, unless I go out to sea literally or figuratively I feel I will never have a grasp of who I really am. My LLB doesn't tie me down it doesn't say that I cannot enlist it doesn't say that I can't join the merchant navy it doesn't say that I have to do anything in particular. I am blessed not to have to work for a living so to speak, so what if I can earn more pouring coffee for some smug senior partner at an elitist firm? I know that wherever I end up starting my career, in whatever field in whichever place I will always start at the bottom of the chain I will be a servant to somebody else's servant (and so on). Servility is inescapable for now, only it has opened my eyes to the limitless potential that I myself possess and the needless sorrow to which my own narrow mindedness has led me. 

Ah well it's about time I graced Angleterre with my presence once more. My final year is about to being this is the last entry I'll be writing from Pakistan for another year. Farewell Dogs, Farewell Family! This has been quite an illuminating stint at home....I swear I met a friend in Islamabad (recently divorced) and the first thing I asked him was whether he'd become a father yet (at which point his expression told me I'd said something terribly wrong) Lord forgive me!