I cannot in the space of a single blog-post tell you how I came to be this way, the twists and turns of fate that led me to my present self cannot be condensed to such an extent. A consolation perhaps is that through the rumination of my present self you may learn something of the last few years, the effects of which have been both positive and negative.
In myself I see changes for the better along with facets of my youth that I wish I could reclaim, my idealism, my unending positivism. To the well of youthful optimism that once seemed so bottomless I now stand in a muddy puddle.
In some ways I am a rich man, certainly in comparison to my student days I am wealthy, I have enough to service my basic needs and more, enough to save for a better future one that is stolen from me by every single day by inflation in the property market and the increased cost of education. It appears to me, at this stage in my life that time itself is my enemy, as a dedicated rat I scurry through the tunnels of London's tube network every morning to earn my daily bread, to rise to the top of my career and make the investors and capitalists who own labour incredibly wealthy, a trickle of this wealth then drips down to enrich my own life.
There are days that I close deals worth hundreds of thousands of pounds and a percentage of this makes its way to my pocket, when it does I am a hero, I have done great things for the company but my heroism only warrants this tiny percentage, and I am keenly aware of where the rest is going. My success thus far has largely been based in my continued heroism, I put the company first, I put my clients first and myself second - and I have done so for long enough that my mental and physical health have suffered greatly, for this I received a promotion, my parents were proud, society held me in high esteem but part of me was ashamed of what I did to get there.
The artists and dreamers of the world, perhaps these are the individuals who put themselves first. I am drawn to the conclusion that we do not choose who we fall for and in time we find idiosyncrasies in one another that are maddening, whether this is something that can be overcome remains to be seen but the outlook seems more and more bleak.
To those who see my life from the outside, as they inevitably do unless they are close to me, and feel like I have achieved something, or that my journey should be emulated I say the grass is always greener. My fellow corporate executives and I have suffered greatly, we have sacrificed our sanity for the sake of a few pennies in our pocket, never look upon us as successful individuals, we are the least successful of this generation as we have yet to break the mould, nothing new will come of our conformity.
Corporatese is a maddening language in which business is conducted, the biggest crises must be communicated both internally and externally with the most positive spin, the ship is sinking but it means we'll be able to build a new one, a better one, one that won't sink like this one did! I write this post in English but if you would like to read corporatese I direct you to the many Linkedin blogs and website posts of cultural fluff, if you were to print them out and wipe your behind with them the paper would be no less dirty than it was to start with.
One of the reasons I hate my current boss is that he sees it fit to speak this language not just with the public but to me and my team as well, as if we are somehow susceptible his waterfall of neurolinguistic programming and unfiltered bullshit. Having said that I hate him less than my previous boss who was a different ballgame altogether. In sacrificing my sanity I have learned to deal effectively with the types of people I would normally want push off a tall building. Day in and day out I smile and make these people believe that I am somehow committed to their vision. In my defence I am too valuable an asset to be replaced and in this lies my power over them, in being such a valuable asset I have the freedom to slowly subvert their authority until I find myself being given their job. This is the fate that befell my previous boss.
The realisation that I will have to claw my way to the top in this manner, means that any thoughts of there being a meritocracy in human society are foolishly misplaced. While we have to be good at our jobs in order to advance, we have to be even better at playing the people whose decision it is to put us there.
It is Sunday night and my weekend is drawing to a close, I will have to shower, put on my face and go back through the looking glass into a world where people speak funny and act like buffoons.
Until we meet again mes amis.
Kind Regards,
Corporate Soldier X
